Local Revision: Wordiness

We were asked to pick the wordiest paragraph of our project, so I grabbed the one I thought sounded like an 80-year-old English professor. I'm having a really hard time not being wordy because I want to make sure I sound like I know what I'm talking about, and it sucks. I hate this part. Pretty sure my project still sounds like an essay but I don't know how to fix it. Anyway, I changed my wordy paragraph and made it easier on the eyes.

The Chosen One (Paragraph):

"Rather than simply providing a rebate for speech therapy in general, there is a stipulation on the budget proposal requiring the use of the Lidcombe Program for the treatment of stuttering. Were the budget proposal to pass, it could potentially place a halt on the creation of new treatment avenues, or the exploration of others in existence."

The Much Improved Version:

"Instead of providing a rebate for speech therapy in general, the budget proposal requires that the Lidcombe Program be used for the treatment of stuttering. If it passed, it could limit the creation of new, or exploration of other treatment avenues."

 

Why the change?

 

The revision of my wordy paragraph makes it not sound like I'm trying to sound pompous or like I'm writing a scholarly essay. I'm supposed to be writing in an entertaining way, and as I still feel like my project is a little lacking in that regard, this paragraph, which was especially bad, is much improved.

 

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