Before: Selection From Rough Cut
Picture yourself taking a trip to the Louvre in 1950. You’re slowly strolling through the museum, and enjoying the artwork as much as you’d hoped. You even take a moment to enjoy the Mona Lisa, wondering just what she was really smiling about. Everyone else in the building seems to be under the same trance caused by the surrounding paintings. It’s a privilege just to be there, surrounded by so much mystery and beauty. Now picture yourself on the same outing, this time in the year 2016. Again, you slowly walk from painting to painting, enjoying the artwork. But this time, when you get to more famous pieces, you pause to take a selfie. Everyone else around you is doing the same thing. You spend the same amount of time walking through the museum, but this time, instead of simply basking in the existence of the artwork, your first thought is to get proof of your trip so that you can post it on social media later that day. Narcissistic tendencies, such as going to a museum in order to post a picture of yourself with the artwork rather than to simply enjoy it, have been exacerbated by social media.
After: Re-edited Selection
Picture yourself taking a trip to the Louvre in 1950. You’re slowly strolling through the museum, and enjoying the artwork as much as you’d hoped. You even take a moment to enjoy the Mona Lisa, wondering just what she was really smiling about. Everyone else in the building seems to be under the same trance caused by the surrounding works of art. It’s a privilege just to be there, encompassed by so much mystery, beauty, and culture. Now picture yourself on the same outing, this time in the year 2016. Again, you slowly walk from painting to painting, enjoying the artwork. But this time, when you get to more famous pieces, such as the Mona Lisa, you pause to take a selfie. Everyone else around you is doing the same thing. You spend the same amount of time walking through the museum, but this time, instead of simply basking in the existence of the artwork, your first thought is to get proof of your trip so that you can post it on social media later that day. This is just one situation in which the effects of social media can be seen in today’s generation. Narcissism and narcissistic tendencies, such as going to a museum in order to post a picture of yourself with the artwork rather than to simply enjoy it, have been exacerbated by social media.
How did the content change?
I changed certain words in a lot of it, for example: I changed "paintings" to "works of art" because the Louvre has more than just paintings, so that was an error in statement. I also changed the word "surrounded" to "encompassed" because I had just used the word "surrounded", and it sounded repetitive to have it in there twice. I put a reference to the Mona Lisa in the second portion of the section because I thought it brought the two scenarios closer together. I also added the word "narcissism" to the end in order to bring the main point of the essay into greater focus. I think it helps to change little words like this because it can have subtle changes to what you're saying that can be important to the perceptions of the reader.
How did the form change?
I pulled the first sentence from my next paragraph into the end of the introduction paragraph. This brings my thesis statement to the beginning and helps get my point across. I think it was a better choice when considering form and genre conventions. It brings the essay together better, and adds more meaning to the first paragraph. If I had left that last sentence out in the final draft of the introductory paragraph, the paragraph itself would have served little purpose.
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